


A Hypothermic Mind

by aratheli



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst, Canon Character Injury, F/F, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mentions of Suicidal Thoughts, Spoilers, damn I really hope they make it, post chapter 115, previous Intimacy, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-30
Updated: 2019-07-30
Packaged: 2020-07-27 01:37:15
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20037757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aratheli/pseuds/aratheli
Summary: Hange and Levi made it to the orphanage.  Barely.  As Levi tries to recover from the injuries he sustained, Hange knows that, mentally, Levi won't recover at all.  He won't be okay--not even a little bit.Times like these leave Hange to wonder where they went wrong, where they go from here.  What could they do now, with their best friend broken like he was?An unlikely help is Historia, who seems to know more about the captain than Hange realised.  She has an idea as to how they move forward, and is ready to put it into motion.





	A Hypothermic Mind

**Author's Note:**

> This got really sad, even for me to write, and I'm not going to lie when I say it was hard to keep myself together. From my studies of major emotional trauma in Uni, but not experience, I hope I accurately portrayed what might happen. 
> 
> I also just want to say that I got inspiration from Avatar: The Last Airbender when Iroh explained to Zuko that he had more than one great-grandfather. I'm not sure why but that scene really strikes me.
> 
> (Also some of the words I used in here might or might not exist...I'm not very good with English...)

“...I don’t know, this eye isn’t responding to the light either.”

“Don’t push his forehead like that, I just got the shards out. It’s probably super sensitive.”

“God, he looks like he’s dead.”

“Shut the fuck up, don’t say that! Levi, can you hear me?”

Hange pleaded with all of the universe that Levi would recover. Even a little; even if the bruising and the scarring and the apparent lack of vision in both eyes was something he couldn’t bypass, they wished that he was still the same person. Of course they wanted him to wake up in the makeshift hospital bed all healed and ready to draw Zeke’s blood, but they had to be realistic, even if they didn’t want to be. 

But it was obvious now, as he struggled to sit upright and hold his head up and respond in any way to the personnel currently assessing him, that he will never be the same.

“He probably hit the back of his head when he fell. That’s where all the vision is in the brain, right?” The nurse didn’t look away from Levi’s injuries, but Hange knew the question was directed towards them.

“Right, Commander? You have a PhD in human biology, right?” He asked again, taking away the crystal light from in front of Levi’s face and directing his gaze towards Hange.

All they could do was stare at their mangled best friend, quivering from the remaining hypothermia. It made them sick that their only option was to dive into the river after seeing the fucking devil himself walk towards their group as if he was the epitome of grace. Hange almost vomited at the memory.

“...yes. Sorry. He probably bruised that lobe. He’ll be blind in both eyes for a couple of days, I’m assuming,” Hange spoke numbly. 

“All right,” the nurse sighed, turning back to the remainder of the Captain. “Let’s lay you down again and see if you won’t vomit this time.” 

In pushing his shoulders gently to get him to rest, Levi immediately choked and turned pale, to which another nurse grabbed a pasta pot from the kitchen--it was all they had--and threw it under his chin. Levi dry-heaved, for he had expelled whatever was in his stomach only minutes ago, and the nurses glanced between themselves, fear and pity on their faces. It was all Hange was able to witness in one sitting, so they turned to go out of the room and down the hall of the orphanage with no destination in mind. 

Their wandering through the barn was draining, so they pulled the blanket given to them around their neck, and nearly collided with Her Majesty herself, who was holding a handful of spare rags. “Oh, hello, Commander,” she offered quietly. “Erm, how is--”

“He’ll never be the same,” Hange muttered, mostly to themselves. Saying it out loud was like asking for a crushing of their lungs, and suddenly they felt short of breath.

Historia quickly noticed. “Hey, let’s go to my room. Come on,” she coaxed politely, a gentle touch placed on Hange’s shoulder in reassurance that was meant to comfort. Hange nodded absentmindedly and was ushered in a suite a little farther down the corridor with a bed and a desk and a large view of the despicable weather raging on outside. The rain that almost killed them, killed  _ Levi _ , Humanity’s Strongest, and that thought knocked the wind out of them. Historia pushed on Hange’s shoulders to sit on the foot of the bed and sat down next to them, waiting for the regulation of breath. But Hange couldn’t idle anymore; they had to pace. Now.

“He’ll never be the same!” A little louder this time, and by standing up so head-rushingly fast they had made Historia flinch, Hange noted stupidly, and threw down the blanket to free their hands and run them violently through their rat’s nest of hair. “God. I--I don’t know what to do. I’m so stupid. I’m a fucking idiot! All of this bullshit  _ never _ would have happened if Erwin was here, I--” they didn’t know how they were continuing, as the remembrance of Levi, on top of the wall, telling the children that he wasn’t going to regret it, made Hange dizzy--and the memory of how they weren't supposed to know that he took the longest shower of his life the night they all returned, sobbing to himself as he turned the water hotter and hotter as if to burn the guilt away, Hange sitting outside the Captain’s quarters, wishing they were able to ease the burden he felt. He regretted it. He regretted everything. And Hange was beginning to, too. 

There was a hook in their throat now, tearing it as they dared to speak further. “I  _ know _ everyone keeps telling me that I’m doing ‘fine’ and other absolute  _ bullshit _ , but...I  _ can’t _ do this!” Their lips were stretching as Hange attempted to hold their breakdown back. “If Erwin were here...I don’t know, I…” Hange ripped some hair out, and defeatedly dropped their hands to their sides. “ ...I don’t know. Some part of me selfishly wants him here, commanding stuff and...just  _ knowing _ stuff that I couldn’t even think of. But the other part of me wants him alive and  _ happy _ and shit.” Hange’s stream of consciousness was straying far, not that they cared anymore, as canning it for so long, and now opening the top, was like a breath of fresh air. “Erwin deserved a good life, you know? Happy and living in some little cabin with maybe a dog...and maybe kids…” Hange turned on their heel, trying to build up a fantasy for their friend that they hoped he was living, wherever he was. “I think he would’ve been a good dad. Married to some lovely woman...what was that girl he dated a while back? Marie, I think. He was in love with her, he should’ve mar--”

“No. He wasn’t.”

Hange caught themselves in an abrupt stop, now remembering Historia was present, and turned to see her misty eyes studying the floor. Her declaration was lost for a moment to the commander, as the voice itself sprung them out of their thoughts, but the statement was firm, and Hange frowned. “Wait...what...what are you talking about?”

Historia looked up at them, a confident demeanor in her eyes, but nothing malicious, as she explained further. “Erwin had more than one love in his life.”

Hange faced her fully, completely in the dark as to where all this was going, their face surely screwed up in puzzledness. 

“Erwin was in love with Marie because it was expected to do so for him,” Historia said. “She was a pretty face that his friends were fancying, so he liked her, too. He sacrificed her for his dreams, for his drive, and that lead him down another path.” She shook her head as if she was denying it to herself; like Erwin was here and she was disapproving his actions. “Marie was the first person he fell in love with. The person he fell in love with  _ after _ her, and who eventually fell in love with him, was Captain Levi.”

Hange had listened curiously up until the last words spoken, when they felt the threat of the truth. And unfortunately, they were right, and that sent them almost crippling with it being spoken out loud and confirmed by another individual. Just as fiercely as their eyes flew wide and their teeth clenched, they squeezed shut and brought their hands to their hair once again. “Why...what am I supposed to do with that information? How do you know that?!” They cried.

Historia stayed level. “Because the Captain told me so himself. He told me when he came here to visit...I can’t remember what we were originally talking about, but I broke down when I told him I missed Ymir. I told him everything,” her eyes glossed with melancholy. “I don’t know if he felt obligated to confess something in return, but he told me that he felt the same way with Commander Smith. That they had been intimate, and that he would lay awake, picturing Erwin looking down at him, and want to die.” 

It all added up, of course. Hange had teased both of them about the staring and the closeness and the fact that, even in meetings he probably wasn’t allowed to attend, Levi was there because Erwin wanted him there. Hange couldn’t breathe again, and sat back down next to the Queen, whose focus didn’t leave Hange’s face.

“I can’t believe I never put it together. Levi’s my best friend, why wouldn’t--”  _ Why wouldn’t he tell me that,  _ Hange finished for themselves. But Hange could put themselves in Levi’s shoes and feel the embarrassment associated with confessing something like that, confessing  _ feelings _ , something Levi wasn’t very good at wording, even if Hange was the only person Levi trusted to sob in front of. He had come to them so many times, both before and after Erwin’s passing, to try to talk. It wasn’t something he was comfortable with.

They sighed shakily and put their head in their hands. Historia sighed as well, returning her gaze to the floorboards. “I think what we need to do for him now is just be there, especially during the healing process.”

“He’ll never be the same,” Hange mumbled stubbornly. 

“I know,” Historia whispered. “And we can never fill that void.”

Hange straightened and brushed their pants. “I’m a horrible best friend,” they declared, tacking on a self-defeating chuckle.

Historia tightened her lips and gave them half of a smile. “No, you’re not,” she countered. She leaned forward to clasp a hand on the commander’s shoulder and pull them slightly into her. “You care, right? You know what he needs.”

They nodded slightly. “I think so.”

XX

When Levi startled awake after only 29 minutes of fruitless rest, he registered the warm sensation of someone holding his non-mutilated hand. He could barely move his head, let alone see, but he had a good inkling of who it was, or who he wanted it to be. 

“Hey there, Shortcake.”

Part of him wanted to laugh, part of him wanted to cry, but all he could do is exhale a breath he was holding in. “Sorry,” was all he could weakly manage.

“Don’t be.” A pause, and then a rub of a finger over the back of his hand. “Don’t be sorry for anything.”

That didn’t work. He  _ was  _ sorry. He was sorry for so many, many things. “I failed you,” he whimpered to no one and everyone. 

“No. You did your best. You’re  _ doing  _ your best.” Another silence, yet Levi could tell Hange’s mouth was open in contemplation to say more. Then-- “He’s proud of you.” 

The tears stung as they soaked through the bandages on the sides of his face, and he felt like grimacing, but moving his facial features or muscles in general such a pain that he just trembled in his place. 

He could feel the hands around his shake as well. 

Hange lowered their head, fighting the tears themselves, and grimaced for him.  _ He’ll never be the same. _

**Author's Note:**

> I think Levi is at his breaking point. And don't get me wrong, it's inspiring to see someone be so strong in the face of mental and physical struggles, but....I also just want to be realistic, I think he'd be suicidal. 
> 
> Thank you again for reading! If you'd like to leave a comment, I'd love to read it! Have a good one!


End file.
